Olive Crest United Methodist Church
7180 North 60th Street
Omaha, Nebraska 68152

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Rev. Debra Tompsett-Welch

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The Spiritual Life

July 2000

What can God teach me with a Computer Train Wreck?

By Rev. Michael Lee Burgess

As with many great adventures, this one started with a small change, a simple idea, not too much trouble, and pretty inexpensive, that would make a whole bunch of people happy. (So little did I understand what I was getting myself into. Sometimes I see the future very very dimly J ) It started with my dad finally getting a program m for his computer that he has been wanting for two years. (It was written in France I think, and took time to be exported). With a great sense of excitement he loaded it onto his computer, and it would not run. It was the video card. It was just not up to the task. So, since Father's Day was coming up and so was his birthday and Christmas, I went out and found a card that would work on his older mother board (the brain of his computer). Well, it still would not work, the movie sequences stuttered and the sounds were not matching up. Here is where the computer train wreck started.

I thought to myself, "If I got dad a new motherboard, then took his old one and put it in Jeff and Gabbie's computer (theirs is even older than Dad's and they can not afford to upgrade it) and then took theirs and used it as our second machine in the office and then took the old one in the office downstairs to the Day Care, then everybody would be very happy and it wouldn't cost me too much." So easy to say, so hard to do. I think this is a case of famouse last words.

I have built computers in the past, so I knew how to do it, but I forgot how many different generations of hardware and software I was going to be trying to mix together. And of course I have my "real" work to do and can only work on this in my "off" time. I said to myself, "I'll just hurry up and get this all done before Sunday, so the office won't look like a computer train wreck." I took Dad's apart, finally got it running, and took all the parts over to the office to start on Gabbie and Jeff's machine, which they were kind enough to bring by since I didn't have time to go visit them. Then I got stuck. And here, as is often the case when God teaches me, is where God broke though my complacency and revealed new insights. Why I have to bump my head in order to listen to God is a mystery to me.

I was trying to get the new motherboard to recognize the old hard drives and I developed a blind spot in my problem solving. Tunnel vision is a danger whenever you are trying to think around a problem. As Sunday got closer and other things needed to get done, the pressure went up and so did my irritation. And when irritation goes up, problem solving goes down. The fix, when I finally stumbled onto it, was simple of course. But I lost two days and the train wreck was all over the office for Sunday. (p.s. For those who it would bug not to know, the first IDE socket was bad on the motherboard).

What did God use this disaster to teach me? The importance of dealing with frustration. Frustration/Irritation is a response, whether conciously or unconciously chosen, it is still a reponse to what happened. When things would not work like they should I got frustrated, that was my choice. I could have chosen to get excited by a more challenging problem, or I could have looked on it as an opportunity to get more people involved and thereby reach out to people I don't usually have an excuse to talk to (I did do that, eventually). But what I unconsiously chose to do first, was get frustrated and use up precious mental and physical energy spinning my tires instead of fixing the problem. Then to make matters worse, I got to feeling overwhelmed and like I was in over my head and not "capable". There is no greater danger to a project, than to believe you can't do it. Then of course it is true, you can't. But more than skill, it starts to effect your self worth and your self image. This is the true danger of frustration and irritation. You start to think "wrong" things about yourself, you distort your image of yourself.

So what do you do about it when you find yourself choosing Irritation and Frustration? Start by remembering who you are. Your "true" self is a a capable, beloved and growing child of God. I don't do everything right the first time, but God knows that, and it is a necessary part of the job so you end up doing it right. You have to make mistakes in order to learn. So why get mad at yourself for doing what has to be done in order to do a good job?

Next you need to remember your "higher" self. Then you can rise above the moment and realize the relative importance of things. Then you will not get lost in the details that make small things seem way too important and lead to that sense of failure and judgement. An example is how we react to criticism. If you never receive criticism, then you are not doing anything. But I just hate criticism, I can feel so wounded, until I remember to separate my self worth from other peoples opinions of my work. They are not the same. One of my favorite ancestors, Robert E. Lee learned this secret to happiness and serenity. There was a Confederate general named Whitely who was jealous of Lee and never missed any opportunity to criticise and insult Lee. One day Confederate president Jefferson Davis called a confrence to plan a military campaign. The suggestion was made that General Whitely be placed in charge. President Davis asked Lee for his opinion, and said that it would all depend upon Lee's recommendation. Lee said that he was glad to agree, and he considered Whiteley one of the best tactical generals available, and a man of great daring, in fact, just the man for the campaign. One of the committee took Lee aside and asked, "General, haven't you heard how Whiteley has been talking about you? The names he has been calling you? How could you recommend him for a command like that?" And Lee replied, "Yes, I have heard all those things. But I was laboring under the impression that the President wanted my opinion of Whiteley, not Whiteley's opinion of me." Robert E. Lee had learned to see life from his "higher" self and act out of who he was, not what others thought about himself.

Well, I have not always living up to my family history. So what do I do when I am stuck in the frustration and I want to remember my "higher" self and put life in perspective so I can choose a good response? First I have to break the feedback loop between my body and my emotions/mind. I have to choose to stop in the middle of my frustration and calm down. How you do that will depend upon what works for you. For me, slow deep breathing with my eyes closed and imagining calm pictures in my head, or saying the Lord's Prayer very slowly work. Reading can also take me away for a bit so I can calm down. Or even just calling someone on the phone to divert my mind to something different for awhile before I come back to the problem. When you get lost in your tension and emotions, then making a deliberate choice to "come back to your senses" can be an act of Christian Discipleship and a heroic act of courage to live up to your Christ like self. It is not hard for me to remember to do that in the midst of a real crisis, but it takes effort to remember it in the small frustrations of life, and God had to remind me. Thank you for supporting my growth in God. We are on this journey together.

Your brother-in-Christ, Reverend Michael Lee Burgess

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